Betty ford says i'm here all night
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
