Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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