When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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