Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
