i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
