why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
