I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
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some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
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I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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