sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
