His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
