I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
