How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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