Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My vagina is officially offended.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
