If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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