shes about as inviting as chlamydia
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
