Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
