I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just tell him i said nine months
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
