I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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