Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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