dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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