I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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