I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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