My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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