my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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