i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I party with great urgency now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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