Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
