Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
