So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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