dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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