I hate your face
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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