Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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