im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
