Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
