I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
