dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
