Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
