She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
