You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
