All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I die, sorry about rent.
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