the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was born a porn star she said
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
