Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
