I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
