I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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