When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
