Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
