My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
