Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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