jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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