I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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