Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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