we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
