So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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