ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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