I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
