what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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