non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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