Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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