i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
