farters have to be the big spoon...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
