How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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