I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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